Ah Lee bin Ah Boo ((( earthquakeduck muhibbah remix )))

A little bird told me that the best place to search for La Biss would be in Penang, Darul Sampah. And so, early this morning, I set off in pursuit of La Biss. I did not bother arming myself with any cumbersome protective gear because I love the smell of La Biss in the morning. It reminds me of victory.

I reached the dump site in Pulau Tikus as the sun was rising. Hills upon hills of La Biss silhouetted against the rising sun was truly a sight to behold. I reached into my backpack and took out my Leica. The images I captured were so breathtaking tears started to well up in my eyes. I opened my mouth wide and inhaled a lungful of La Biss-flavoured air. As the micro-particles made their way into my bloodstream, my mouth started to water. It was as if I was swimming in an exquisite mixture of belacan, soya sauce, salted fish, laksa, cencaluk, smelly feet and funky armpits! I just wished I could swallow all that beautiful La Biss in one gigantic gulp.

Then I started walking among the dump site like a zombie high on syabu. I would stagger around for a while, and when I felt like it, I would let myself fall onto the soft, decomposing La Biss and then roll around in them. I have never felt so good before. It was the ultimate feeling! I was laughing and laughing and laughing when all of a sudden, a whole heap of fresh La Biss was poured on top of me. Chunks of rotten tofu almost choked me to death. Fortunately for me, an old computer landed inches from my family jewels. The rest were mainly rotten vegetables and La Biss from the home of a typically wasteful Malaysian family.

After I swallowed the rotten tofu, I started going through the fresh heap of La Biss. What caught my eyes was this bright pink Hello Pussy notebook. The cover read, 'Mai Not Buk, Ah Lee bin Ah Boo.' From the name, I immediately knew that this Ah Lee bin Ah Boo was the product of a muhibbah marriage. I sat down on a pile of old newspapers and turned to the first page.

'Studi is difikel. i am no unersand wat teecher teech. why must dey mak so hard 2 studi? i am very hate skoo. stoopee skoo.'

'Saterrday. affer i were play wif my dik, my dik got pain. i very scary. so i were told mak. i oredi scary, mak is socold me sum more. she is say, what you are do with your dik?! you are always abyuse your litel brader. he so small you shud take care for him.

'den she are tooked my brader to spesialis kleenik. i is say to dokter, what wrong wif my dik?' dokter is say dik is sik. so i is say wat you meen? i is speak LOUDLY: DIKISIK OR SIDIKID??? stoopee dokter onli smail. i is want to say bad word but mak was dere so i is only say SHRRAP!!!'

'then mak are say, we taking my dik home. he few mash better after we taking him to bomoh.'

And that was all there was in the notebook. Except for a few gulai stains, the rest of the pages were empty. I closed the notebook and just sat there for a few moments. I thought about Ah Lee and his life. All of a sudden, I felt sad.