Kung-Fu Kathy and the Unfortunate Pickpocket

Note: This is a kickass version of the PMR essay which was discussed in class recently.
Disclaimer: Please do not attempt to write in the following style lest you want to incur the wrath of your skool teechers.

Kathy was travelling home on a crowded bus when she noticed a sneaky looking man standing in front of her. Our quick-witted heroine was somehow dead sure that he was up to no good. After all, why on earth would someone dress like a hip-hopper in such stiflingly hot weather?

Kathy's suspicions were confirmed when she saw the man reaching a grimy hand into the back pocket of an obese, Chinese uncle. At first, she thought that he was attempting to molest the poor Chinese uncle. When the filthy crook fished a wallet out of the overweight man's back pocket and then surreptitiously dropped it into one of the oversized pockets of his cargo pants, she realised that he was in fact a no-good pickpocket.

Kathy screamed like a banshee in a high-pitched effort to alert the other passengers. Shocked out of their daydreams by Kathy's piercing, unearthly screams, everyone turned to look in her direction. Quite afraid of being mistaken for a lunatic, Kathy quickly pointed an accusing finger at the stunned pickpocket, whose blood was trickling out of his right ear.

"What?" the pickpocket challenged.
"In the name of God, repent, you no-good pickpocket! Repent!" Kathy countered.
"I AM NOT A PICKPOCKET!!!" the pickpocket protested.
"GIVE IT UP!" Kathy hollered.
"NO!" the pickpocket cried.
"DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A TASTE OF AARON KOK'S 3-POINT SYSTEM KUNG-FU?" Kathy yelled.
"TRY ME!!! I AM NEITHER CHICKEN NOR AM I YELLOW! I AM AFRAID OF NOTHING!!! NOTHING!!!" the pickpocket taunted.

This proved to be a most terrible mistake. With fingers outstretched like claws, Kathy reached out her hands towards the pickpocket's chest, grabbed a handful of flesh on each hand and twisted hard. And before the poor pickpocket could even react, Kathy jabbed him in the groin.

With eyes wide open and mouth agape, the unfortunate pickpocket's hands flew involuntarily to his crotch before collapsing onto the dusty floor of the bus like a sack of Prince Edward Island potatoes. With the exception of the pickpocket, everyone on the bus gave Kathy a jubilant round of applause.

"Thank you, thank you very much, " said Kathy as the rickety bus trundled its way towards a nearby police station.

"The Effin' Simians Made Me Fat" (Part 1)

Note: This is a kickass version of the PMR essay which was discussed in class recently.
Disclaimer: Please do not attempt to write in the following style lest you want to incur the wrath of your skool teechers.

"I know what you're thinking."
"Huh?"
"You're wondering how I became so fat, right?"
"Umm..."
"Do you really want to know?"
"Well, if you really wanna tell me, I'm all ears."
"Okay. Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable."

....................................................................

It all started when Bee Chee made this apparently casual remark one day. We were all sitting around in class doing nothing as usual. The June school holidays were just around the corner, and practically all the teachers had gone AWOL.

"Aleena, seems to me that you've gained some weight lately."
"What? Are you serious?"
"Yeah. Your love handles have become rather...pronounced."
"Omg, is it that obvious?"
"Well, don't take my word for it. Check it out yourself in front of the mirror when you get home today."

Which was exactly what I did. I wasn't completely sure if it was merely what she said that was playing tricks with my mind or the fact that I was getting fat, but I definitely did not like what I saw in the mirror.

"I'm gonna start working out. Shed those extra inches. The holidays are upon us again. Perfect timing, " I reassured myself.

That same evening, I pestered my mother to take me shopping. Upon reaching Kinta City, I made a beeline for the sporting goods store. I had wanted to get the yellow with black stripes tracksuit a la the same one which Bruce Lee wore in "The Game of Death" and which was also worn by Uma Thurman in "Kill Bill". Alas, mom said no since the price was not right. In the end, I ended up getting the Special Edition Barbie tracksuit instead. Which was just as well. More bling for your buck, as they say.

The next morning, I woke up earlier than usual to go jogging in a nearby park. I put on my brand new tracksuit and was about to leave the house when I bumped into my mother as she was staggering towards the washroom. Both of us almost had a double acute myocardial infarction right there and then.

"WTF Aleena!!! It's effin' half past five in the effin' morning! Are you going to a disco?"
"Holy cow momma! I thought you were grandma back from the dead!"
"Hahaha nice one. You know how much we resemble each other. Especially when our hair's messed up like this. So where the F are you going dressed like this?"
"I'm going jogging. Don't you remember? You bought me a tracksuit last night."
"Oh right. Isn't that for your birthday party?"
"HUH? What birthday party? My birthday's in December. It's June now. Mom, are you sure you're alright? Have you started drinking again?"
"Heh heh, calm down, child. I'm just effin witcha. Alright go, go! Before it gets too hot to jog."
"But mom, you haven't answered my question. Have you been drinking again?"
"Just go okay. Remember to come back before your bus is here."
"What bus?"
"Your school bus, of course. Is there another bus?"
"But it's a Saturday."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah."

...to be continued