Kung-Fu Kathy and the Unfortunate Pickpocket

Note: This is a kickass version of the PMR essay which was discussed in class recently.
Disclaimer: Please do not attempt to write in the following style lest you want to incur the wrath of your skool teechers.

Kathy was travelling home on a crowded bus when she noticed a sneaky looking man standing in front of her. Our quick-witted heroine was somehow dead sure that he was up to no good. After all, why on earth would someone dress like a hip-hopper in such stiflingly hot weather?

Kathy's suspicions were confirmed when she saw the man reaching a grimy hand into the back pocket of an obese, Chinese uncle. At first, she thought that he was attempting to molest the poor Chinese uncle. When the filthy crook fished a wallet out of the overweight man's back pocket and then surreptitiously dropped it into one of the oversized pockets of his cargo pants, she realised that he was in fact a no-good pickpocket.

Kathy screamed like a banshee in a high-pitched effort to alert the other passengers. Shocked out of their daydreams by Kathy's piercing, unearthly screams, everyone turned to look in her direction. Quite afraid of being mistaken for a lunatic, Kathy quickly pointed an accusing finger at the stunned pickpocket, whose blood was trickling out of his right ear.

"What?" the pickpocket challenged.
"In the name of God, repent, you no-good pickpocket! Repent!" Kathy countered.
"I AM NOT A PICKPOCKET!!!" the pickpocket protested.
"GIVE IT UP!" Kathy hollered.
"NO!" the pickpocket cried.
"DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A TASTE OF AARON KOK'S 3-POINT SYSTEM KUNG-FU?" Kathy yelled.
"TRY ME!!! I AM NEITHER CHICKEN NOR AM I YELLOW! I AM AFRAID OF NOTHING!!! NOTHING!!!" the pickpocket taunted.

This proved to be a most terrible mistake. With fingers outstretched like claws, Kathy reached out her hands towards the pickpocket's chest, grabbed a handful of flesh on each hand and twisted hard. And before the poor pickpocket could even react, Kathy jabbed him in the groin.

With eyes wide open and mouth agape, the unfortunate pickpocket's hands flew involuntarily to his crotch before collapsing onto the dusty floor of the bus like a sack of Prince Edward Island potatoes. With the exception of the pickpocket, everyone on the bus gave Kathy a jubilant round of applause.

"Thank you, thank you very much, " said Kathy as the rickety bus trundled its way towards a nearby police station.

"The Effin' Simians Made Me Fat" (Part 1)

Note: This is a kickass version of the PMR essay which was discussed in class recently.
Disclaimer: Please do not attempt to write in the following style lest you want to incur the wrath of your skool teechers.

"I know what you're thinking."
"Huh?"
"You're wondering how I became so fat, right?"
"Umm..."
"Do you really want to know?"
"Well, if you really wanna tell me, I'm all ears."
"Okay. Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable."

....................................................................

It all started when Bee Chee made this apparently casual remark one day. We were all sitting around in class doing nothing as usual. The June school holidays were just around the corner, and practically all the teachers had gone AWOL.

"Aleena, seems to me that you've gained some weight lately."
"What? Are you serious?"
"Yeah. Your love handles have become rather...pronounced."
"Omg, is it that obvious?"
"Well, don't take my word for it. Check it out yourself in front of the mirror when you get home today."

Which was exactly what I did. I wasn't completely sure if it was merely what she said that was playing tricks with my mind or the fact that I was getting fat, but I definitely did not like what I saw in the mirror.

"I'm gonna start working out. Shed those extra inches. The holidays are upon us again. Perfect timing, " I reassured myself.

That same evening, I pestered my mother to take me shopping. Upon reaching Kinta City, I made a beeline for the sporting goods store. I had wanted to get the yellow with black stripes tracksuit a la the same one which Bruce Lee wore in "The Game of Death" and which was also worn by Uma Thurman in "Kill Bill". Alas, mom said no since the price was not right. In the end, I ended up getting the Special Edition Barbie tracksuit instead. Which was just as well. More bling for your buck, as they say.

The next morning, I woke up earlier than usual to go jogging in a nearby park. I put on my brand new tracksuit and was about to leave the house when I bumped into my mother as she was staggering towards the washroom. Both of us almost had a double acute myocardial infarction right there and then.

"WTF Aleena!!! It's effin' half past five in the effin' morning! Are you going to a disco?"
"Holy cow momma! I thought you were grandma back from the dead!"
"Hahaha nice one. You know how much we resemble each other. Especially when our hair's messed up like this. So where the F are you going dressed like this?"
"I'm going jogging. Don't you remember? You bought me a tracksuit last night."
"Oh right. Isn't that for your birthday party?"
"HUH? What birthday party? My birthday's in December. It's June now. Mom, are you sure you're alright? Have you started drinking again?"
"Heh heh, calm down, child. I'm just effin witcha. Alright go, go! Before it gets too hot to jog."
"But mom, you haven't answered my question. Have you been drinking again?"
"Just go okay. Remember to come back before your bus is here."
"What bus?"
"Your school bus, of course. Is there another bus?"
"But it's a Saturday."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah."

...to be continued

clues

wanna have a gander at my other blog?
it's also at blogspot, and here are the clues:

the undead and japanese warrior.

the height of teenage fashion in the 1980s

Saved from a watery grave

Note: This is a kickass version of the PMR essay which was discussed in class recently.
Disclaimer: Please do not attempt to write in the following style lest you want to incur the wrath of your skool teechers.

Mr Aimahiro is a retired swimming instructor. He resides near the polluted Kinta River. In the evenings, he enjoys reading old newspapers by the river because of the reassuring smell of noxious fumes from a nearby highway.

One evening, Mr Aimahiro was reading his old newspapers by the river as usual. He was reading an article about how a group of delinquent students broke into an ice-cream parlour when he noticed several children prancing around near the riverbank. The playful children were gleefully chasing after each other and running about as if their shorts were on fire. Mr Aimahiro shook his head disdainfully and resumed reading the article.

All of a sudden, the wet sound of a big splash interrupted Encik Halotano's reading once more. The moment Mr Aimahiro looked up from the newspaper, he was aghast to see a dumb kid thrashing in the foul and muddy waters of the river.

"Aha! Serves you right, you dumbo kiddo!" Mr Aimahiro thought to himself.

The diabolical Mr Aimahiro waited for the child to drink several mouthfuls of gritty river water before jumping into the river. And it was during that split-second right before Mr Aimahiro's obese body hit the water that he realised how he had completely forgotten how to swim...

...........................


"Why did you jump into the river?"
"To save the poor child from a watery grave."
"And?"
"And I suddenly realised that I had completely forgotten how to swim."
"Do you see the black-eyed angels swimming with you?"*
"Yes."
"And a moon full of stars and astral cars?"
"Yes."
"Do you know where you are?"
"No, I don't."
"Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No."

And thus Hades decreed that Mr Aimahiro was a buffoon whose time in the afterlife has yet to come.

When Mr Aimahiro came to, he was surrounded by the children. The children towered over him. For a moment, he thought he was Lemuel Gulliver in Brobdingnag.

"What? Where? Why? Whose? Which? When? How?"
"You're safe, mister."
"Huh?"
"You tried to save Bee Seng, and you almost drowned. Bee Seng saved you."
"Huh?"
"We were practising. We're really, very sorry for what happened."
"Huh?"
"We're all junior state swimmers. We have a competition coming up. That was why."
"Huh?"

Epilogue:
If you have been an attentive reader, you might just have noticed that something is not quite right with this story. Well, you're most likely referring to the part where the kid was "thrashing in the foul and muddy waters of the river."

Now, why would the child be "thrashing" if they were only practising?

To this, there are several possible answers.

Perhaps the kids wanted to make it more real by doing so. They were probably doing a rescue-type mission.

Or, perhaps the kid was lying. Who knows? Kids lie all the time, right? You're a kid, you should know.

Or maybe Mr Aimahiro is in fact, still struggling in the water, and he is hallucinating. Don't know what "hallucinating" means? Look it up in the dictionary.

*Some parts of the conversation were appropriated from the lyrics of "The Pyramid Song" performed by Radiohead.

"Anything worth doing is never easy."

mosquito head

Some kid laughed so hard that he vomited water in class yesterday night.

By the way, the link to the Wikipedia entry on Franz Kafka's The Metamorphosis is here.

A Most Unfortunate Incident

Note: This is a kickass version of the PMR essay which was discussed in class recently.
Disclaimer: Please do not attempt to write in the following style lest you want to incur the wrath of your skool teechers.

One sultry Saturday evening, Sandra and her younger brother, Sam, were chilling out at home. They were waiting for their parents to take them out to dinner and they were becoming rather restless. After all, their parents were not known to be the punctual type, not unlike their English tutor, Mr Kok.

Sandra was a hardcore bookworm, and promptly planted herself in the living room sofa with a book in hand. Sam, however, was having none of that reading nonsense and decided to step out of the house in a feeble attempt to seek some excitement in the garden.

Sam was traipsing all over the garden when lo and behold, he looked up and noticed a bird's nest perched on a tree branch. He became even more excited when he spotted several nestlings going: "CHEAP! CHEAP! CHEAP!" in the nest. With a diabolical grin on his pimpled face, he rubbed his palms in glee and decided to get his grimy hands on the nest.

He placed a wooden ladder against the trunk of the tree so that he could climb up. However, luck was not on his side. Before he could reach the nest, our dear Sam had the misfortune of stepping on a thin branch. The branch snapped in two and Sam fell to the ground like a sack of Prince Edward Island potatoes. The injured teenager screamed in a way that no injured teenager had ever screamed before because the pain was, for a lack of a better word, excruciating.

Given that he had landed knee first, it was not surprising that part of his femur jutted out from a break in his flesh. When Sam saw this, he screamed a little more and quickly lost consciousness for such was the courage of youths these days. Fortunately, Sandra heard Sam's ungodly screams right before he passed out and promptly dialled her father's number.

"H-h-h-hello Ah Pa???"
"Ha, meh see?"
"Ah Sam, k-k-k-koi..."
"Ha, meh see?"
"A-a-a-a-ah Samk-k-k-k-k-koi..."
"#@*$&! MEH SEEEE AHHHH? LAY KONG LAAA...#@*$&!!!

To cut the story short, Sandra managed to overcome her s-s-s-s-s-stuttering and told her f-f-f-f-f-f-f-father that Sam was lying u-u-u-u-u-unconscious in the garden. Her p-p-p-p-p-p-parents rushed home immediately and took Sam to the hospital for t-t-t-t-t-treatment. His leg was put in a cast and he was absent from school for two weeks. After Sam recovered, his father beat him to within an inch of his life for all the trouble that he had caused.

Update

Well, the reason that I've not been updating this blog is because I've been busy updating another blog. Tee hee, if you really want to know, make a request in the comments section. Oh, and anonymous commenters will not be entertained.

Public Announcement

Dear parents (who give a damn about your children),

Are you aware of what your kids are not learning in school these days?

A LOT.

Yours truly,

AK aka renegade language instructor :)