Cheap Airline

"Type of service, sir?"
"What kinds do you offer?"
"Well there's three. Full service, no service and bad service."
"What's the difference?"
"Full service is two hundred dollars additional."
"What about no service?"
"No service is complimentary."
"And bad service?"
"You get a 20% rebate."
"That's interesting. What does bad service include?"
"Basically, the stewardesses treat you like...um...faecal matter."
"Hmm..."
"So which service would you prefer, sir?"
"I'll take the bad service."
"Okay, that's done."
"Is there any way to make the ticket even cheaper?"
"Well, you can, by downgrading your options."
"That's good. What are the default options?"
"You've taken out service, so that leaves you with the in-flight movie, radio stations, headphones, blanket, beverages, food and baggage space."
"I would liked to have all those options removed."
"Are you sure, sir?"
"Yes, I'm positive. I can deal with the movie and radio stations with my portable sight and sound device, headphones included. I won't need a blanket because I can bring my own..."
"There's an additional charge for that sir."
"You mean you there's a surcharge for bringing your own blanket?"
"That's correct sir."
"How much?"
"A dollar for a standard blanket. Extra for blankets with a higher thread count."
"What's the scale?"
"Five dollars for a blanket with a thread count between 200 and 400. For blankets with a thread count exceeding 400, the surcharge is ten dollars. So what's the thread count of your blanket sir?"
"It's just a regular blanket bought from a pasar malam."
"I'll make a tentative five dollar surcharge for now sir."
"Tentative?"
"Well, in the event that the stewardess responsible for blankets find that your blanket exceeds the declared thread count, the surcharge amount will be amended accordingly."
"Fine."
"Now, for the rest of the options which you have opted out. Beverages, food and baggage space. I would like to confirm that you want these options removed as well?"
"Yes. And what is the surcharge for each?"
"There's no surcharge for those sir."
"Good. Now are there any more options which I can opt out of?"
"There is one, but the airline strongly recommends that you retain it."
"Well, I can still choose not to have it if I want to, am I correct?"
"That's correct, sir."
"What is the option?"
"The washroom usage option."
"How much off if I opt out?"
"Another 30%, sir."
"That's awesome!"
"So, I confirm the removal of the washroom usage option."
"Yes, off with it!"
"Just out of curiosity sir, how do you plan to deal with not using the washroom throughout your flight to Toronto? The flight takes more than twenty hours."
"Well, where there's a will, there's a way."
"I'm afraid I don't understand, sir."
"Plastic bags and styrofoam boxes."
"Oh."
"I take it that everything is in order? Is there anything you missed?"
"Everything looks...hold on...there's something here that might be of interest to you sir."
"What is it?"
"It's stated here that during the Your Airline Greens the Environment campaign period, any passenger who opts out of the washroom usage option is eligible for a further 15% discount if said passenger surrenders their excretory waste, whether in liquid, solid and/or semi-solid forms at the end of his or her flight."

Saved from a watery grave

Note: This is a kickass version of the PMR essay which was discussed in class recently.
Disclaimer: Please do not attempt to write in the following style lest you want to incur the wrath of your skool teechers.

Mr Aimahiro is a retired swimming instructor. He resides near the polluted Kinta River. In the evenings, he enjoys reading old newspapers by the river because of the reassuring smell of noxious fumes from a nearby highway.

One evening, Mr Aimahiro was reading his old newspapers by the river as usual. He was reading an article about how a group of delinquent students broke into an ice-cream parlour when he noticed several children prancing around near the riverbank. The playful children were gleefully chasing after each other and running about as if their shorts were on fire. Mr Aimahiro shook his head disdainfully and resumed reading the article.

All of a sudden, the wet sound of a big splash interrupted Encik Halotano's reading once more. The moment Mr Aimahiro looked up from the newspaper, he was aghast to see a dumb kid thrashing in the foul and muddy waters of the river.

"Aha! Serves you right, you dumbo kiddo!" Mr Aimahiro thought to himself.

The diabolical Mr Aimahiro waited for the child to drink several mouthfuls of gritty river water before jumping into the river. And it was during that split-second right before Mr Aimahiro's obese body hit the water that he realised how he had completely forgotten how to swim...

...........................


"Why did you jump into the river?"
"To save the poor child from a watery grave."
"And?"
"And I suddenly realised that I had completely forgotten how to swim."
"Do you see the black-eyed angels swimming with you?"*
"Yes."
"And a moon full of stars and astral cars?"
"Yes."
"Do you know where you are?"
"No, I don't."
"Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No."

And thus Hades decreed that Mr Aimahiro was a buffoon whose time in the afterlife has yet to come.

When Mr Aimahiro came to, he was surrounded by the children. The children towered over him. For a moment, he thought he was Lemuel Gulliver in Brobdingnag.

"What? Where? Why? Whose? Which? When? How?"
"You're safe, mister."
"Huh?"
"You tried to save Bee Seng, and you almost drowned. Bee Seng saved you."
"Huh?"
"We were practising. We're really, very sorry for what happened."
"Huh?"
"We're all junior state swimmers. We have a competition coming up. That was why."
"Huh?"

Epilogue:
If you have been an attentive reader, you might just have noticed that something is not quite right with this story. Well, you're most likely referring to the part where the kid was "thrashing in the foul and muddy waters of the river."

Now, why would the child be "thrashing" if they were only practising?

To this, there are several possible answers.

Perhaps the kids wanted to make it more real by doing so. They were probably doing a rescue-type mission.

Or, perhaps the kid was lying. Who knows? Kids lie all the time, right? You're a kid, you should know.

Or maybe Mr Aimahiro is in fact, still struggling in the water, and he is hallucinating. Don't know what "hallucinating" means? Look it up in the dictionary.

*Some parts of the conversation were appropriated from the lyrics of "The Pyramid Song" performed by Radiohead.

mosquito head

Some kid laughed so hard that he vomited water in class yesterday night.

By the way, the link to the Wikipedia entry on Franz Kafka's The Metamorphosis is here.

Shopping Cart Hero Online Game

it's an excellent time waster.

recommended for stress relief.

try it here.

dreaming dog running (EXCEPTIONALLY FUNNY)