Public Announcement

Dear parents (who give a damn about your children),

Are you aware of what your kids are not learning in school these days?

A LOT.

Yours truly,

AK aka renegade language instructor :)

Ah Longs Should Go For English Tuition Too

I can understand "HAWRKER LOAN" because it's a typo, but what in the world is a

"KIND OF LOAN"???

sometimes, i truly wish i could write like this

yet another instance of someone attempting to rewrite the english language. my favourite lines and phrases include:

1. "In the morning, are letter you said won a lot of pimples."

2. "Fistly, your don't pop your pimples. It is because the pimples is pop."

3. "Thirdly, your said won received a lof of pimples."

and the bestest line?

"Lastly, your pop the pimples is have a balance diet."

pure poetry. maybe in a few years this would be included in the literature component of spm. i mean, how many marks would you give if you were me?

Encounters at the Mall

Well, most of you who read this blog are probably not old enough to be solicited by credit card pedlars who have become a common sight in shopping centres across the nation. this afternoon, when I was in the midst of rushing to a washroom, one of such pedlars launched the following line at me as I was slipping past him:

"Errr, mister, got using AmBank arh?"

It's pretty damned sad, really. I mean, if he had said "Got use AmBank arh?" instead, it wouldn't have been so bad, because then it's Manglish ma. But "got using" just got on my 3825in nerves! Speaking of 3825, I met the co-creator of this wonderfully-coded word at Star3825s, with two of her equally pale-skinned friends.

Anyway, that's all for this post. More coming soon, with hope. Stay safe and study hard kids, year-end ekjams are coming.

The Man Who Was Lying By The Roadside

When I was on my way home from work this afternoon, I saw a man lying by the roadside. Curiosity got the better of me so I pulled over, stopped the engine and stepped out of the car. As I walked towards the man, he was still lying.

"THE SKY IS GREEN!"

It was absolutely mind-goggling.

"THE EARTH IS TRIANGULAR!"

Ever since the day I began my career as a tutor, I have come across this enigmatic character countless times.

The man who was lying by the roadside.

Sometimes he appears in a student's essay, but more often, he appears in reference books. Hence I have spent many sleepless nights wondering what it would be like to meet this "man who was lying by the roadside" face-to-face. And so this afternoon, there I was, with the man who was lying beside the roadside standing right in front of me. He was ranting on and on.

"MALES GIVE BIRTH TO BABIES!"

I wanted to get a word in, so I shouted at him.

"Hey, what's up with you man?"

Instead of dignifying my question, he continued lying.

"THE MALAYSIAN EDUCATION SYSTEM ROCKS!"

"MALAYSIA HAS THE CHEAPEST PRICES FOR IMPORTED CARS!"

"THE ROADS ON MALAYSIAN ROADS ARE THE BEST IN THE WORLD!"

I tried my best to maintain my composure, but I couldn't. As I pushed the key into the ignition, I burst into tears and sped away, leaving the man who was lying by the roadside in a cloud of dust. I mean, how could he be such a bloody liar?

Vomiting Electricity

This is what happens when you give your tutor a hard time during class.

Hong Kong Television Drama Series Centre

My mother's watching some Hong Kong television drama series.
My wife's watching some Hong Kong television drama series.
There's so much Hong Kong television drama series going on that I've got Hong Kong television drama series coming out of my anus.

My Nostrils Know You But I Don't

This afternoon, I was sitting at a café in Kinta City with the wife when I had this terrible urge to wash my hands. As I was heading towards the wash basin, I caught a strong whiff of body odour. When I turned around to find out the source of this celestial stink that was sulphurous to smell, I saw this man who was dressed in a cornflower blue shirt with white pinstripes. Before I could mutter an expletive, one of the waiters who knows me by sight opened his mouth to say something.

"Oh, do you know Mr Bothi?"
"No, but I have just been introduced to his body odour."

The Bus of Death Is Not A Joke

I understand that I started this blog in the spirit of fun, but after reading the newspapers today, I realised that I simply have to get something off my chest.

Our 50th celebration of Merdeka is coming up right? Well, twenty people won't be celebrating with us come the 31st of August this year. Why? Because they were horribly killed in a road accident this morning. Road accidents, however horrible, are really nothing new. As they say, bad things happen. But what affected me the most was the back story of the incident.

Supposedly the driver of the bus --- who was killed along with the other nineteen --- had 19 summonses issued against him since 1991. Imagine that: since 1991. That's 16 years ago. How old were you 16 years ago? Oh wait, most of you were born 16 years ago right? And since that time, while you were growing up, there's this criminal who was walking our tanahair with the potential to kill. Well, he's done it now, hasn't he? Twenty lives, including his own. And it seems that one of the dead was a pregnant woman, so that makes twenty one.

Sixteen years is a long time. And nineteen summonses is a lot of summonses. Why was nothing done? Why was he still driving? Who issued the summonses? Even a child knows that if Daddy gets a saman, he will have to settle it right?

"But Daddy, what happens if you don't pay?"

"If Daddy doesn't pay, then the people who issued the saman will come look for Daddy."

But our Bus Driver of Death somehow managed to evade the people who issued the nineteen saman. Or perhaps the people who issued the saman were too busy doing something else.

And now that the proverbial taik has hit the proverbial kipas, a minister was quoted as saying that there is a need for "refresher courses." Whoo-whee! Jumpin' jelly beans! Hey man, how about making sure that all bus companies are doing everything by the book, for instance, running a thorough check on all their drivers to make sure that they do not have NINETEEN outstanding summonses, and making sure that Puspakom is really doing their job? Apparently, the bus that crashed was last inspected in May.

That's all for now. Regular programming will resume tomorrow.

Darth Vader Is Such A Loser For Reading Harry Potter

A joker answered the phone when I called the Traffic Police

This is a real life conversation that I had a couple of months back, when I was still naive enough to think that the traffic police were serious about their jobs. The reason I called was to complain about how people were making illegal U-turns near the Jabatan Hasil building. Perhaps your parents are guilty of it too.

For those of you who are interested in knowing exactly where this is, visualise this:

You're at the junction that's presently all kelam-kabut on Jalan Tambun. If you go straight --- twelve o'clock --- you'll head straight into Tambun. Now, you'll first pass the Pantai Hospital, then the Jabatan Hasil building (that's the building that taxes your parents' hard-earned money). And as you go further, you'll see a bunch of cars lining up on your right, waiting to U-turn. Now, that's illegal because the actual U-turn is further down, near the Caltex petrol station. But people don't care. They're probably saying, aiya, go so far, for what? Here oso can turn what. Ne'er mind one...

Ne'er mind one? Well, allow me to enlighten you.

For the simple reason that people who are coming from the opposite direction do not feel like killing you when you suddenly swerve into their lane, illegally.

So this is what went on when I called the Traffic Police Department to make a complaint:

earthquakeduck: Er, hello? Polis Trafik?
Mr Comedian: Ah ye, slamat petang, polis trafik ipoh...
earthquakeduck: ah slamat petang. saya nak buat komplen la...
Mr Comedian: Ah, apa komplen nye?
earthquakeduck: Hampir dengan Hospital Pantai, kan ada satu U-turn...
Mr Comedian: Kat mane nih?
earthquakeduck: Kalo pegi karah Tambun, blah kanan la...
Mr Comedian: Oh, U-turn tu...
earthquakeduck: Sebenarnya, U-turn ya sebenarnya dekat Caltex...
Mr Comedian: Ah, kami memang tau tempat tu...
earthquakeduck: Ah, teruk la...bahaya lagi...keta tu semua gile-gile...!
Mr Comedian: Ah, yang mati pun ade...
earthquakeduck: !
Mr Comedian: Ha, tapi apa yang kita bole buat? Kita memang tak bole kat sane 24 jam...kalo meka mati, kita hanto ke hospital, kalo kita nampak, kita beri saman...
earthquakeduck: !!
Mr Comedian: Ha, trima kasih kerana membritau kami...thankyoobye...

Well, World Taekwondo Federation, right?