Fecal Matters (S. S. P.)

I have a friend who's presently working illegally in the United States, but this is not the point that I'm getting at. He used to work in a cybercafé, and he told us how he had to do his business there one time. "Doing his business" here means taking a dump, or berak, if you prefer it in the national language. Anyway, according to him, the washroom in the cybercafé was, if you'd excuse the pun, a real piece of shit. Poo stains everywhere and reeking of week-old urine. He had some nasi lemak for breakfast earlier in the morning, and by lunch time, he was letting out these ultra-stinky farts. He was simply dying to answer the urgent call of nature, but there was no way in hell that he would step into the messed-up washroom.

So what's a desperate man to do in such a desperate situation?

He took a large piece of newspaper and took it to the back of the shop, unfolded it on the floor, pulled down his trousers, squatted down and let it rip all over the newsprint. After he was done, he wrapped it up, put it into a plastic bag and threw it into the dustbin.

If you think this is bad, read on.

Just a couple of days ago, a couple of friends and I were having a spot of supper in Ipoh Garden East. We ordered some satay and chicken wings. When we were eating, one of them (my friends, not the chicken wings) started telling us about how he shat into a styrofoam box (the kind used to pack take-away food) the other day. Naturally, we asked him why he did that. He said that he was helping out his friend with some construction work in some recently-constructed houses, and there were no toilets there. So once again, desperate times call for desperate measures.

"But why didn't you use some newspapers, like Joe did? Didn't you have any newspapers handy?"
"I did."
"So why didn't you use it?" I asked, all the while munching on a piece of chicken dripping with delicious satay sauce.
"Well, it gets difficult with the newspapers because I tend to urinate when I'm shitting, and it's difficult to wrap it up with newspapers when there's piss."
"Ohh..."
"And you know something?"
"What?" we asked in unison.
"My shit that day looked just like this satay sauce, man. All nutty and shit and a little spicy too."

My other friend stopped eating and looked as if he was about to throw up; when I saw this, I laughed so hard I farted and almost shat in my pants.

But just imagine some drunken beggar going through the dustbin and stumbling upon one of those "surprise shit packages." After all, people are becoming more wasteful these days, and the poor beggar might just assume that it's a pack of discarded curry rice from your friendly neighbourhood mamak store. I mean, if he's so drunk, maybe he won't even notice the difference. After all, curry does resemble the watery kind of faeces, with the chunky, half-solid pieces resembling bits of tomato or potatoes. And if gets there in time, the package might still be warm...

I don't know about you, but all these talk about food has gotten me real hungry. So, bon appetit!