sometimes, i truly wish i could write like this

yet another instance of someone attempting to rewrite the english language. my favourite lines and phrases include:

1. "In the morning, are letter you said won a lot of pimples."

2. "Fistly, your don't pop your pimples. It is because the pimples is pop."

3. "Thirdly, your said won received a lof of pimples."

and the bestest line?

"Lastly, your pop the pimples is have a balance diet."

pure poetry. maybe in a few years this would be included in the literature component of spm. i mean, how many marks would you give if you were me?

pick your price, please

Found this gem of a typographical error in the menu at a café last week.

Encounters at the Mall

Well, most of you who read this blog are probably not old enough to be solicited by credit card pedlars who have become a common sight in shopping centres across the nation. this afternoon, when I was in the midst of rushing to a washroom, one of such pedlars launched the following line at me as I was slipping past him:

"Errr, mister, got using AmBank arh?"

It's pretty damned sad, really. I mean, if he had said "Got use AmBank arh?" instead, it wouldn't have been so bad, because then it's Manglish ma. But "got using" just got on my 3825in nerves! Speaking of 3825, I met the co-creator of this wonderfully-coded word at Star3825s, with two of her equally pale-skinned friends.

Anyway, that's all for this post. More coming soon, with hope. Stay safe and study hard kids, year-end ekjams are coming.

i em till tick

teet tpetial poth. i try tpeak vietnameet hier. can you try get the meening op the tie-tel? it meen "I EM TILL TICK." tit bee-cot i thaw dokter that dei, he gip me throng med-sehn, TOO THRONG!!! i feel toopeed apter i teik med-sehn! rite in vietnameet it dippikelt...tho i thop hier...hep a good wee-can...

Other Words to Describe a Homeless Person Besides "Beggar"

Kids, did you know that there are many other words which are used to describe a homeless person? For instance, you can use vagabond, tramp, vagrant, beggar, bum, derelict, mendicant or panhandler besides the generic "beggar."

Miss Teen USA 2007 - South Carolina Answers A Question

"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, um, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq and everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future."

Maybe she's just nervous, but I don't think so.

Happy Farts

This morning, the wife wanted to get a birthday gift for my mother at Jusco. I didn't feel like walking, so I sat down on a bench close to the taxi stand. I promptly fished my phone out of my pocket and started playing High Roller Casino. I was winning loads of virtual cash when all of a sudden, I heard a big, loud, obnoxious fart that went:

PPPWWWAAAAAAARRRRPPPPPPP!!!

I turned to my right, and right there was this taxi driver comfortably lying on a bench. In less than two seconds, he immediately let out another fart.

PPPRRRRRRPPPPPPPPP!!!

It was not as generous-sounding as the first, but still, it was pretty amazing. I'm sure that there were major skid marks* in his underwear. And then, he started singing!

Naturally, I pricked my nose to see if I could detect any farty smells in the air, but the smell of carbon monoxide was far stronger. The lesson of this? Well, if you're happy and you know it, let it rip. Enjoy your long weekend, kids.

________________________________________________________________

*Skid marks are "a line of fecal matter in someone's underwear that varies in thickness from thin to thick. Usually a result of poor ass wiping skills."

For example:

"Hey Ah Chong! Check out these skid marks on your younger brother's underwear!"

"Aiyah! These skid marks on your father's underwear is so hard to wash away!"

For the proper definition of skid marks, click here.

Baby Fair

As I was reading the papers in a coffeeshop this morning, something horribly funny caught my eye. Supposedly there's a 'Baby Fair' happening at Tesco until 27 August 2007 (The Star, N23). Well, at first glance, it's probably nothing to shout about. A baby fair, right? Something like a book fair, right? Well, if a book fair is an organised event where books are sold, then it follows that a baby fair is an organised event where babies are sold. So, do your part and visit Tesco where they're having this baby fair, and tell them that you need to buy one. Or two, if the price is right.

Keseronokan Translasi (Maaf, Bahasa Malaysia Aku Menghisap)

I must've been tired, because when I sat down at the mamak stall after my class ended, I looked at the menu and saw Minu Man, instead of minuman. Now that's an idea for another one of my comic series: The Misadventures of Minu Man. Then this got me thinking about how funny it is whenever you translate an English proper noun into Bahasa Malaysia. For instance, My Mind Is A Stinking Camera becomes Minda Aku Adalah Satu Kamera Yang Berbau Busuk. To prove my point further, allow me to demonstrate with the following translations:

1. The Chemical Brothers ---> Adik-Beradik Kimia
2. Spice Girls ---> Perempuan-Perempuan Rempah
3. Pet Shop Boys ---> Budak-Budak Kedai Binatang Kesayangan
4. Radiohead ---> Kepala Radio
5. Coldplay ---> Mainsejuk
6. Bent ---> Bengkok
7. Buena Vista Social Club ---> Kelab Sosial Buena Vista
8. Everything But The Girl ---> Semua Benda Kecuali Perempuan Itu
9. Johnny Cash ---> Johnny Tunai
10. Kaiser Chiefs ---> Penghulu-Penghulu Kaiser
11. The White Stripes ---> Belang Putih
12. Britney Spears ---> Britney Lembing
13. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory ---> Charlie dan Kilang Coklat
14. Mission Impossible ---> Misi Yang Tidak Mungkin
15. Die Hard 4.0 ---> Mati Keras Empat Perpuluhan Kosong
16. Ghost Rider ---> Penunggang Hantu
17. Fantastic Four ---> Empat Yang Hebat
18. Mr Bean ---> Encik Benih
19. Spiderman ---> Orang Labah-Labah
20. I Know What You Did Last Summer ---> Aku Tahu Apa Yang Kamu Buat Musim Panas Yang Lalu

Now, I encourage you to come up with some of your own translations. It's a good way to practise your language skills. Who knows, you might even end up being a translator in the future, and in case you didn't know, translators make big bucks. This way, you don't have to end up as a part-time rubbishman/plastic bottle scavenger like me. : )

Grandmother Words

One day, certain things will be lost forever. This is why there are museums. Anyway, what I want to say is, there are certain linguistic artifacts --- by the way, the word 'artifact' can also be spelled 'artefact' --- peculiar to Malaysian Cantonese which might be lost within a generation or two. Specifically, the words that I'm referring to are the words used by our grandmothers, so let's call them Grandmother Words. Below is a list of several words that I can recall off the top of my head, and I encourage you to contribute to this list if you happen to remember any other words.

1. kee-chee-miau --> cartoons

2. see-kee-ling ---> ice-cream

3. hor-lan-sui ---> literally, "Holland water," meaning soft drinks.

4. ma-see-lee ---> Mercedes Benz.

5. or-feet ---> office.

you can count my 3425!

The wife and I were having an early dinner at a café in Ipoh Garden East this afternoon. When it was time to pay, I signalled one of the Mat Waiters and said, "Ey 'dik, tolong kira, 'dik!" I realised it the moment I finished the argot-enriched sentence.

'dik, which means "little brother" in colloquial Malay, sounds just like "dick"in English. Jadi, kalo dalam Bee-Ai, o-ang cutter "Hey dick, please count dick!"