Cheap Airline

"Type of service, sir?"
"What kinds do you offer?"
"Well there's three. Full service, no service and bad service."
"What's the difference?"
"Full service is two hundred dollars additional."
"What about no service?"
"No service is complimentary."
"And bad service?"
"You get a 20% rebate."
"That's interesting. What does bad service include?"
"Basically, the stewardesses treat you like...um...faecal matter."
"Hmm..."
"So which service would you prefer, sir?"
"I'll take the bad service."
"Okay, that's done."
"Is there any way to make the ticket even cheaper?"
"Well, you can, by downgrading your options."
"That's good. What are the default options?"
"You've taken out service, so that leaves you with the in-flight movie, radio stations, headphones, blanket, beverages, food and baggage space."
"I would liked to have all those options removed."
"Are you sure, sir?"
"Yes, I'm positive. I can deal with the movie and radio stations with my portable sight and sound device, headphones included. I won't need a blanket because I can bring my own..."
"There's an additional charge for that sir."
"You mean you there's a surcharge for bringing your own blanket?"
"That's correct sir."
"How much?"
"A dollar for a standard blanket. Extra for blankets with a higher thread count."
"What's the scale?"
"Five dollars for a blanket with a thread count between 200 and 400. For blankets with a thread count exceeding 400, the surcharge is ten dollars. So what's the thread count of your blanket sir?"
"It's just a regular blanket bought from a pasar malam."
"I'll make a tentative five dollar surcharge for now sir."
"Tentative?"
"Well, in the event that the stewardess responsible for blankets find that your blanket exceeds the declared thread count, the surcharge amount will be amended accordingly."
"Fine."
"Now, for the rest of the options which you have opted out. Beverages, food and baggage space. I would like to confirm that you want these options removed as well?"
"Yes. And what is the surcharge for each?"
"There's no surcharge for those sir."
"Good. Now are there any more options which I can opt out of?"
"There is one, but the airline strongly recommends that you retain it."
"Well, I can still choose not to have it if I want to, am I correct?"
"That's correct, sir."
"What is the option?"
"The washroom usage option."
"How much off if I opt out?"
"Another 30%, sir."
"That's awesome!"
"So, I confirm the removal of the washroom usage option."
"Yes, off with it!"
"Just out of curiosity sir, how do you plan to deal with not using the washroom throughout your flight to Toronto? The flight takes more than twenty hours."
"Well, where there's a will, there's a way."
"I'm afraid I don't understand, sir."
"Plastic bags and styrofoam boxes."
"Oh."
"I take it that everything is in order? Is there anything you missed?"
"Everything looks...hold on...there's something here that might be of interest to you sir."
"What is it?"
"It's stated here that during the Your Airline Greens the Environment campaign period, any passenger who opts out of the washroom usage option is eligible for a further 15% discount if said passenger surrenders their excretory waste, whether in liquid, solid and/or semi-solid forms at the end of his or her flight."

iNoWorry

"This invention of mine will revolutionise our civilisation and change the way we live in the most profound ways."
"What's it called?"
"The iNoWorry."
"That sounds pretty cool. What does it do?"
"It helps us to stop worrying."
"Oh really? How does it work?"
"The user plugs in these earphones. Actually, they're not really earphones. I mean, they can work as earphones, but their main function is to capture the user's brainwaves. The brainwaves are then transmitted into the device and analysed for signs of stress and anxiety."
"So far so good. What happens after that?"
"If the brainwaves show traces of stress or anxiety, the device will ensure that any worrying thoughts will materialise and come true."
"Wait. So, what you're saying here is that this device will make our negative thoughts come true?
"Yes."
"That's crazy! Who in his right mind would want this???"
"I understand your concern. But hear me out. The device will make the negative thoughts come true only when negative thoughts are present in the user's mind. Which means..."
"...no negative thoughts will come true if there are no negative thoughts in the user's mind to begin with."
"Bingo."
"Does the device work on positive thoughts too?"
"You mean if it can realize positive thoughts?"
"Yes."
"Give me some time. Perhaps in the iNoWorry 2."

"The Effin' Simians Made Me Fat" (Part 1)

Note: This is a kickass version of the PMR essay which was discussed in class recently.
Disclaimer: Please do not attempt to write in the following style lest you want to incur the wrath of your skool teechers.

"I know what you're thinking."
"Huh?"
"You're wondering how I became so fat, right?"
"Umm..."
"Do you really want to know?"
"Well, if you really wanna tell me, I'm all ears."
"Okay. Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable."

....................................................................

It all started when Bee Chee made this apparently casual remark one day. We were all sitting around in class doing nothing as usual. The June school holidays were just around the corner, and practically all the teachers had gone AWOL.

"Aleena, seems to me that you've gained some weight lately."
"What? Are you serious?"
"Yeah. Your love handles have become rather...pronounced."
"Omg, is it that obvious?"
"Well, don't take my word for it. Check it out yourself in front of the mirror when you get home today."

Which was exactly what I did. I wasn't completely sure if it was merely what she said that was playing tricks with my mind or the fact that I was getting fat, but I definitely did not like what I saw in the mirror.

"I'm gonna start working out. Shed those extra inches. The holidays are upon us again. Perfect timing, " I reassured myself.

That same evening, I pestered my mother to take me shopping. Upon reaching Kinta City, I made a beeline for the sporting goods store. I had wanted to get the yellow with black stripes tracksuit a la the same one which Bruce Lee wore in "The Game of Death" and which was also worn by Uma Thurman in "Kill Bill". Alas, mom said no since the price was not right. In the end, I ended up getting the Special Edition Barbie tracksuit instead. Which was just as well. More bling for your buck, as they say.

The next morning, I woke up earlier than usual to go jogging in a nearby park. I put on my brand new tracksuit and was about to leave the house when I bumped into my mother as she was staggering towards the washroom. Both of us almost had a double acute myocardial infarction right there and then.

"WTF Aleena!!! It's effin' half past five in the effin' morning! Are you going to a disco?"
"Holy cow momma! I thought you were grandma back from the dead!"
"Hahaha nice one. You know how much we resemble each other. Especially when our hair's messed up like this. So where the F are you going dressed like this?"
"I'm going jogging. Don't you remember? You bought me a tracksuit last night."
"Oh right. Isn't that for your birthday party?"
"HUH? What birthday party? My birthday's in December. It's June now. Mom, are you sure you're alright? Have you started drinking again?"
"Heh heh, calm down, child. I'm just effin witcha. Alright go, go! Before it gets too hot to jog."
"But mom, you haven't answered my question. Have you been drinking again?"
"Just go okay. Remember to come back before your bus is here."
"What bus?"
"Your school bus, of course. Is there another bus?"
"But it's a Saturday."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah."

...to be continued

Saved from a watery grave

Note: This is a kickass version of the PMR essay which was discussed in class recently.
Disclaimer: Please do not attempt to write in the following style lest you want to incur the wrath of your skool teechers.

Mr Aimahiro is a retired swimming instructor. He resides near the polluted Kinta River. In the evenings, he enjoys reading old newspapers by the river because of the reassuring smell of noxious fumes from a nearby highway.

One evening, Mr Aimahiro was reading his old newspapers by the river as usual. He was reading an article about how a group of delinquent students broke into an ice-cream parlour when he noticed several children prancing around near the riverbank. The playful children were gleefully chasing after each other and running about as if their shorts were on fire. Mr Aimahiro shook his head disdainfully and resumed reading the article.

All of a sudden, the wet sound of a big splash interrupted Encik Halotano's reading once more. The moment Mr Aimahiro looked up from the newspaper, he was aghast to see a dumb kid thrashing in the foul and muddy waters of the river.

"Aha! Serves you right, you dumbo kiddo!" Mr Aimahiro thought to himself.

The diabolical Mr Aimahiro waited for the child to drink several mouthfuls of gritty river water before jumping into the river. And it was during that split-second right before Mr Aimahiro's obese body hit the water that he realised how he had completely forgotten how to swim...

...........................


"Why did you jump into the river?"
"To save the poor child from a watery grave."
"And?"
"And I suddenly realised that I had completely forgotten how to swim."
"Do you see the black-eyed angels swimming with you?"*
"Yes."
"And a moon full of stars and astral cars?"
"Yes."
"Do you know where you are?"
"No, I don't."
"Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No."

And thus Hades decreed that Mr Aimahiro was a buffoon whose time in the afterlife has yet to come.

When Mr Aimahiro came to, he was surrounded by the children. The children towered over him. For a moment, he thought he was Lemuel Gulliver in Brobdingnag.

"What? Where? Why? Whose? Which? When? How?"
"You're safe, mister."
"Huh?"
"You tried to save Bee Seng, and you almost drowned. Bee Seng saved you."
"Huh?"
"We were practising. We're really, very sorry for what happened."
"Huh?"
"We're all junior state swimmers. We have a competition coming up. That was why."
"Huh?"

Epilogue:
If you have been an attentive reader, you might just have noticed that something is not quite right with this story. Well, you're most likely referring to the part where the kid was "thrashing in the foul and muddy waters of the river."

Now, why would the child be "thrashing" if they were only practising?

To this, there are several possible answers.

Perhaps the kids wanted to make it more real by doing so. They were probably doing a rescue-type mission.

Or, perhaps the kid was lying. Who knows? Kids lie all the time, right? You're a kid, you should know.

Or maybe Mr Aimahiro is in fact, still struggling in the water, and he is hallucinating. Don't know what "hallucinating" means? Look it up in the dictionary.

*Some parts of the conversation were appropriated from the lyrics of "The Pyramid Song" performed by Radiohead.

A Most Unfortunate Incident

Note: This is a kickass version of the PMR essay which was discussed in class recently.
Disclaimer: Please do not attempt to write in the following style lest you want to incur the wrath of your skool teechers.

One sultry Saturday evening, Sandra and her younger brother, Sam, were chilling out at home. They were waiting for their parents to take them out to dinner and they were becoming rather restless. After all, their parents were not known to be the punctual type, not unlike their English tutor, Mr Kok.

Sandra was a hardcore bookworm, and promptly planted herself in the living room sofa with a book in hand. Sam, however, was having none of that reading nonsense and decided to step out of the house in a feeble attempt to seek some excitement in the garden.

Sam was traipsing all over the garden when lo and behold, he looked up and noticed a bird's nest perched on a tree branch. He became even more excited when he spotted several nestlings going: "CHEAP! CHEAP! CHEAP!" in the nest. With a diabolical grin on his pimpled face, he rubbed his palms in glee and decided to get his grimy hands on the nest.

He placed a wooden ladder against the trunk of the tree so that he could climb up. However, luck was not on his side. Before he could reach the nest, our dear Sam had the misfortune of stepping on a thin branch. The branch snapped in two and Sam fell to the ground like a sack of Prince Edward Island potatoes. The injured teenager screamed in a way that no injured teenager had ever screamed before because the pain was, for a lack of a better word, excruciating.

Given that he had landed knee first, it was not surprising that part of his femur jutted out from a break in his flesh. When Sam saw this, he screamed a little more and quickly lost consciousness for such was the courage of youths these days. Fortunately, Sandra heard Sam's ungodly screams right before he passed out and promptly dialled her father's number.

"H-h-h-hello Ah Pa???"
"Ha, meh see?"
"Ah Sam, k-k-k-koi..."
"Ha, meh see?"
"A-a-a-a-ah Samk-k-k-k-k-koi..."
"#@*$&! MEH SEEEE AHHHH? LAY KONG LAAA...#@*$&!!!

To cut the story short, Sandra managed to overcome her s-s-s-s-s-stuttering and told her f-f-f-f-f-f-f-father that Sam was lying u-u-u-u-u-unconscious in the garden. Her p-p-p-p-p-p-parents rushed home immediately and took Sam to the hospital for t-t-t-t-t-treatment. His leg was put in a cast and he was absent from school for two weeks. After Sam recovered, his father beat him to within an inch of his life for all the trouble that he had caused.

The Man Who Was Lying By The Roadside

When I was on my way home from work this afternoon, I saw a man lying by the roadside. Curiosity got the better of me so I pulled over, stopped the engine and stepped out of the car. As I walked towards the man, he was still lying.

"THE SKY IS GREEN!"

It was absolutely mind-goggling.

"THE EARTH IS TRIANGULAR!"

Ever since the day I began my career as a tutor, I have come across this enigmatic character countless times.

The man who was lying by the roadside.

Sometimes he appears in a student's essay, but more often, he appears in reference books. Hence I have spent many sleepless nights wondering what it would be like to meet this "man who was lying by the roadside" face-to-face. And so this afternoon, there I was, with the man who was lying beside the roadside standing right in front of me. He was ranting on and on.

"MALES GIVE BIRTH TO BABIES!"

I wanted to get a word in, so I shouted at him.

"Hey, what's up with you man?"

Instead of dignifying my question, he continued lying.

"THE MALAYSIAN EDUCATION SYSTEM ROCKS!"

"MALAYSIA HAS THE CHEAPEST PRICES FOR IMPORTED CARS!"

"THE ROADS ON MALAYSIAN ROADS ARE THE BEST IN THE WORLD!"

I tried my best to maintain my composure, but I couldn't. As I pushed the key into the ignition, I burst into tears and sped away, leaving the man who was lying by the roadside in a cloud of dust. I mean, how could he be such a bloody liar?

Never Judge A Man By The Vehicle That He Operates

Part One

One day, Johan and his family were travelling to his cousin's house to attend a wedding. On the way, they overtook a bullock cart. As they were passing, Johan and his sister made faces at the man on the bullock cart. However, the man did not become livid nor did he shake his fist at them in damning anger. Instead, he smiled and flashed his wicked grill at them.

All of a sudden, Johan and his family heard a loud bang.

"Who farted?!" Johan's father exclaimed.

Everyone stayed silent and pretended to be enjoying the scenery.

"POPFFFFFFFFFFF!"

"Who---" Before Johan's father could finish the sentence, he panicked and lost control of their Proton Persona.

"3825!!! We're all going to DIEEEEEEEEE...!!!" they yelled in unison.

Fortunately, no one was seriously hurt. Johan's mother only cracked her head on the windscreen and his father vomited blood when the steering punched into his belly while one of Johan's sister's eardrums was punctured by a flying pencil. Miraculously, Johan was the only one who escaped with barely a scratch. Only a small piece of his tahi hidung (booger) flew out when his father crashed into a ditch. Minutes later, everyone staggered out of the car like zombies. Needless to say, they were very disappointed to see that one of the car tyres was punctured. Johan turned to his sister with an accusing finger.

"See, I told you not to throw those 3825ers out of the window. Look what you have done, you nitwit!"
"Huh?? Huh??? Huh???? What did you say?? What???"
"Never mind."

To continue the journey, they must replace the tyre. However, when Johan's father opened the car boot, everyone was disappointed to see that he had forgotten to bring the necessary tools.

"3825!!!" he muttered under his breath before vomiting the rest of his lunch onto his shoes.

Given the situation, they had no choice but to wait for help.

........................

Part Two

Several minutes later, the bullock cart finally caught up with Johan's family. When the man offered them a ride, they immediately accepted. Johan and his sister were not ashamed that they had made faces at the man earlier. In fact, they wished they had thrown some rotten vegetables at him. His body odour was so overpowering that Johan started hallucinating...

The hot afternoon soon gave way to a cloudy evening, and soon, night was approaching. Everyone else was asleep except for Johan, the man and the two cows. As the bullock cart took its sweet time taking them towards wherever it was taking them, Johan observed the back of the man's head. Something did not seem right about the shape of the man's head. It was too round, and the hair was too slick and shiny.

"Oi!" Johan shouted insolently.

The man did not turn around. Instead, he just kept on doing what he was doing. Being a wannabe samseng, Johan did not like to be ignored. So he tried again, with more force in his voice this time.

"OI APEK!!!"

But the man did not turn around. He just kept on driving the bullock cart. Johan was getting rather incensed at this point and was about to get up when he realised for the first time that he was alone in the bullock cart. As he wondered where his parents and sister had gone, the bullock cart stopped. Johan felt his insides turn into water. The silence of the night was broken only by the shameful sounds of his watery farts. He was, literally, shitting his pants.

The man slowly turned his head to face Johan. Johan tried to scream but no sound issued from the hole that was his mouth. See, while the man was turning his head, only his head was turning. His body remained in the same position. A witty thought came into Johan's mind but he had trouble enunciating the words. He wanted to say, "That's some amazing special FX," but what came out was: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

..............................

Part Three

Johan awoke with a start. He soon realised that it was merely a bad dream. He was rubbing his eyes when he realised that they were passing a cemetery. He thought this was fascinating and was about to wake his sister up when he noticed that there were two tiny holes in her neck. Two drops of blood trickled silently from them as she stirred in her sleep and made some yum-yum sounds. Something is not right, Johan thought to himself. I think I will go back to sleep.

Keseronokan Translasi (Maaf, Bahasa Malaysia Aku Menghisap)

I must've been tired, because when I sat down at the mamak stall after my class ended, I looked at the menu and saw Minu Man, instead of minuman. Now that's an idea for another one of my comic series: The Misadventures of Minu Man. Then this got me thinking about how funny it is whenever you translate an English proper noun into Bahasa Malaysia. For instance, My Mind Is A Stinking Camera becomes Minda Aku Adalah Satu Kamera Yang Berbau Busuk. To prove my point further, allow me to demonstrate with the following translations:

1. The Chemical Brothers ---> Adik-Beradik Kimia
2. Spice Girls ---> Perempuan-Perempuan Rempah
3. Pet Shop Boys ---> Budak-Budak Kedai Binatang Kesayangan
4. Radiohead ---> Kepala Radio
5. Coldplay ---> Mainsejuk
6. Bent ---> Bengkok
7. Buena Vista Social Club ---> Kelab Sosial Buena Vista
8. Everything But The Girl ---> Semua Benda Kecuali Perempuan Itu
9. Johnny Cash ---> Johnny Tunai
10. Kaiser Chiefs ---> Penghulu-Penghulu Kaiser
11. The White Stripes ---> Belang Putih
12. Britney Spears ---> Britney Lembing
13. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory ---> Charlie dan Kilang Coklat
14. Mission Impossible ---> Misi Yang Tidak Mungkin
15. Die Hard 4.0 ---> Mati Keras Empat Perpuluhan Kosong
16. Ghost Rider ---> Penunggang Hantu
17. Fantastic Four ---> Empat Yang Hebat
18. Mr Bean ---> Encik Benih
19. Spiderman ---> Orang Labah-Labah
20. I Know What You Did Last Summer ---> Aku Tahu Apa Yang Kamu Buat Musim Panas Yang Lalu

Now, I encourage you to come up with some of your own translations. It's a good way to practise your language skills. Who knows, you might even end up being a translator in the future, and in case you didn't know, translators make big bucks. This way, you don't have to end up as a part-time rubbishman/plastic bottle scavenger like me. : )

Fungi Girl

There was a girl who became homeless after her PMR English Essay parents were killed in a PMR English Essay blaze. Since she had no place to stay, she decided to fungi. After she fungi for about a week, she realised that some fungi had grown on her arms. She looked up into the sky and this thought came to her:

"When we fungi, we will get fungi. When we die, we will say goodbye."

Note: If you don't understand this, consult your friends who speak Cantonese.

Is it wrong to be wrong?

The following is yet another conversation I overheard while wandering the city looking for plastic bottles and cardboard boxes I can sell for some money to buy pirated DVDs:

"What's the answer for 1 + 1?"
"3."
"Wrong. Try again."
"Um...4?"
"No!"

*piak*

"What do I send you to school for??? Huh?? Tell me!!!"
"..."
"What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?"
"..."
"I didn't send you to school to become stupid. You can't even give me the answer for 1 + 1!"
"I told you the answer!"
"What?!"
"I said I told you the answer..."
"I asked you what is 1 + 1. You said 3, then you said 4."
"That's right."
"No, that's wrong!!!"
"What's wrong with wrong?"
"What?"
"Is it wrong to be wrong?"
"What?"
"I said, is it wrong to be wrong?"
"What?"
"What is wrong."
"What??? What is wrong?? What are you talking about?"
"Sorry, what what is wrong what are you talking about is wrong too. Try again."
"What?"
"Can't you answer a simple question? I said what is wrong."
"What do you mean what is wrong???"
"What do you mean what is wrong is wrong too."

I might be wrong --- and I'm often wrong --- but I think the moral of this conversation is this: do not be so sure of someone else's shortcomings when you yourself are full of these same shortcomings. gabish?