Cheap Airline

"Type of service, sir?"
"What kinds do you offer?"
"Well there's three. Full service, no service and bad service."
"What's the difference?"
"Full service is two hundred dollars additional."
"What about no service?"
"No service is complimentary."
"And bad service?"
"You get a 20% rebate."
"That's interesting. What does bad service include?"
"Basically, the stewardesses treat you like...um...faecal matter."
"Hmm..."
"So which service would you prefer, sir?"
"I'll take the bad service."
"Okay, that's done."
"Is there any way to make the ticket even cheaper?"
"Well, you can, by downgrading your options."
"That's good. What are the default options?"
"You've taken out service, so that leaves you with the in-flight movie, radio stations, headphones, blanket, beverages, food and baggage space."
"I would liked to have all those options removed."
"Are you sure, sir?"
"Yes, I'm positive. I can deal with the movie and radio stations with my portable sight and sound device, headphones included. I won't need a blanket because I can bring my own..."
"There's an additional charge for that sir."
"You mean you there's a surcharge for bringing your own blanket?"
"That's correct sir."
"How much?"
"A dollar for a standard blanket. Extra for blankets with a higher thread count."
"What's the scale?"
"Five dollars for a blanket with a thread count between 200 and 400. For blankets with a thread count exceeding 400, the surcharge is ten dollars. So what's the thread count of your blanket sir?"
"It's just a regular blanket bought from a pasar malam."
"I'll make a tentative five dollar surcharge for now sir."
"Tentative?"
"Well, in the event that the stewardess responsible for blankets find that your blanket exceeds the declared thread count, the surcharge amount will be amended accordingly."
"Fine."
"Now, for the rest of the options which you have opted out. Beverages, food and baggage space. I would like to confirm that you want these options removed as well?"
"Yes. And what is the surcharge for each?"
"There's no surcharge for those sir."
"Good. Now are there any more options which I can opt out of?"
"There is one, but the airline strongly recommends that you retain it."
"Well, I can still choose not to have it if I want to, am I correct?"
"That's correct, sir."
"What is the option?"
"The washroom usage option."
"How much off if I opt out?"
"Another 30%, sir."
"That's awesome!"
"So, I confirm the removal of the washroom usage option."
"Yes, off with it!"
"Just out of curiosity sir, how do you plan to deal with not using the washroom throughout your flight to Toronto? The flight takes more than twenty hours."
"Well, where there's a will, there's a way."
"I'm afraid I don't understand, sir."
"Plastic bags and styrofoam boxes."
"Oh."
"I take it that everything is in order? Is there anything you missed?"
"Everything looks...hold on...there's something here that might be of interest to you sir."
"What is it?"
"It's stated here that during the Your Airline Greens the Environment campaign period, any passenger who opts out of the washroom usage option is eligible for a further 15% discount if said passenger surrenders their excretory waste, whether in liquid, solid and/or semi-solid forms at the end of his or her flight."

iNoWorry

"This invention of mine will revolutionise our civilisation and change the way we live in the most profound ways."
"What's it called?"
"The iNoWorry."
"That sounds pretty cool. What does it do?"
"It helps us to stop worrying."
"Oh really? How does it work?"
"The user plugs in these earphones. Actually, they're not really earphones. I mean, they can work as earphones, but their main function is to capture the user's brainwaves. The brainwaves are then transmitted into the device and analysed for signs of stress and anxiety."
"So far so good. What happens after that?"
"If the brainwaves show traces of stress or anxiety, the device will ensure that any worrying thoughts will materialise and come true."
"Wait. So, what you're saying here is that this device will make our negative thoughts come true?
"Yes."
"That's crazy! Who in his right mind would want this???"
"I understand your concern. But hear me out. The device will make the negative thoughts come true only when negative thoughts are present in the user's mind. Which means..."
"...no negative thoughts will come true if there are no negative thoughts in the user's mind to begin with."
"Bingo."
"Does the device work on positive thoughts too?"
"You mean if it can realize positive thoughts?"
"Yes."
"Give me some time. Perhaps in the iNoWorry 2."

Kung-Fu Kathy and the Unfortunate Pickpocket

Note: This is a kickass version of the PMR essay which was discussed in class recently.
Disclaimer: Please do not attempt to write in the following style lest you want to incur the wrath of your skool teechers.

Kathy was travelling home on a crowded bus when she noticed a sneaky looking man standing in front of her. Our quick-witted heroine was somehow dead sure that he was up to no good. After all, why on earth would someone dress like a hip-hopper in such stiflingly hot weather?

Kathy's suspicions were confirmed when she saw the man reaching a grimy hand into the back pocket of an obese, Chinese uncle. At first, she thought that he was attempting to molest the poor Chinese uncle. When the filthy crook fished a wallet out of the overweight man's back pocket and then surreptitiously dropped it into one of the oversized pockets of his cargo pants, she realised that he was in fact a no-good pickpocket.

Kathy screamed like a banshee in a high-pitched effort to alert the other passengers. Shocked out of their daydreams by Kathy's piercing, unearthly screams, everyone turned to look in her direction. Quite afraid of being mistaken for a lunatic, Kathy quickly pointed an accusing finger at the stunned pickpocket, whose blood was trickling out of his right ear.

"What?" the pickpocket challenged.
"In the name of God, repent, you no-good pickpocket! Repent!" Kathy countered.
"I AM NOT A PICKPOCKET!!!" the pickpocket protested.
"GIVE IT UP!" Kathy hollered.
"NO!" the pickpocket cried.
"DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A TASTE OF AARON KOK'S 3-POINT SYSTEM KUNG-FU?" Kathy yelled.
"TRY ME!!! I AM NEITHER CHICKEN NOR AM I YELLOW! I AM AFRAID OF NOTHING!!! NOTHING!!!" the pickpocket taunted.

This proved to be a most terrible mistake. With fingers outstretched like claws, Kathy reached out her hands towards the pickpocket's chest, grabbed a handful of flesh on each hand and twisted hard. And before the poor pickpocket could even react, Kathy jabbed him in the groin.

With eyes wide open and mouth agape, the unfortunate pickpocket's hands flew involuntarily to his crotch before collapsing onto the dusty floor of the bus like a sack of Prince Edward Island potatoes. With the exception of the pickpocket, everyone on the bus gave Kathy a jubilant round of applause.

"Thank you, thank you very much, " said Kathy as the rickety bus trundled its way towards a nearby police station.

"The Effin' Simians Made Me Fat" (Part 1)

Note: This is a kickass version of the PMR essay which was discussed in class recently.
Disclaimer: Please do not attempt to write in the following style lest you want to incur the wrath of your skool teechers.

"I know what you're thinking."
"Huh?"
"You're wondering how I became so fat, right?"
"Umm..."
"Do you really want to know?"
"Well, if you really wanna tell me, I'm all ears."
"Okay. Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable."

....................................................................

It all started when Bee Chee made this apparently casual remark one day. We were all sitting around in class doing nothing as usual. The June school holidays were just around the corner, and practically all the teachers had gone AWOL.

"Aleena, seems to me that you've gained some weight lately."
"What? Are you serious?"
"Yeah. Your love handles have become rather...pronounced."
"Omg, is it that obvious?"
"Well, don't take my word for it. Check it out yourself in front of the mirror when you get home today."

Which was exactly what I did. I wasn't completely sure if it was merely what she said that was playing tricks with my mind or the fact that I was getting fat, but I definitely did not like what I saw in the mirror.

"I'm gonna start working out. Shed those extra inches. The holidays are upon us again. Perfect timing, " I reassured myself.

That same evening, I pestered my mother to take me shopping. Upon reaching Kinta City, I made a beeline for the sporting goods store. I had wanted to get the yellow with black stripes tracksuit a la the same one which Bruce Lee wore in "The Game of Death" and which was also worn by Uma Thurman in "Kill Bill". Alas, mom said no since the price was not right. In the end, I ended up getting the Special Edition Barbie tracksuit instead. Which was just as well. More bling for your buck, as they say.

The next morning, I woke up earlier than usual to go jogging in a nearby park. I put on my brand new tracksuit and was about to leave the house when I bumped into my mother as she was staggering towards the washroom. Both of us almost had a double acute myocardial infarction right there and then.

"WTF Aleena!!! It's effin' half past five in the effin' morning! Are you going to a disco?"
"Holy cow momma! I thought you were grandma back from the dead!"
"Hahaha nice one. You know how much we resemble each other. Especially when our hair's messed up like this. So where the F are you going dressed like this?"
"I'm going jogging. Don't you remember? You bought me a tracksuit last night."
"Oh right. Isn't that for your birthday party?"
"HUH? What birthday party? My birthday's in December. It's June now. Mom, are you sure you're alright? Have you started drinking again?"
"Heh heh, calm down, child. I'm just effin witcha. Alright go, go! Before it gets too hot to jog."
"But mom, you haven't answered my question. Have you been drinking again?"
"Just go okay. Remember to come back before your bus is here."
"What bus?"
"Your school bus, of course. Is there another bus?"
"But it's a Saturday."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah."

...to be continued

Saved from a watery grave

Note: This is a kickass version of the PMR essay which was discussed in class recently.
Disclaimer: Please do not attempt to write in the following style lest you want to incur the wrath of your skool teechers.

Mr Aimahiro is a retired swimming instructor. He resides near the polluted Kinta River. In the evenings, he enjoys reading old newspapers by the river because of the reassuring smell of noxious fumes from a nearby highway.

One evening, Mr Aimahiro was reading his old newspapers by the river as usual. He was reading an article about how a group of delinquent students broke into an ice-cream parlour when he noticed several children prancing around near the riverbank. The playful children were gleefully chasing after each other and running about as if their shorts were on fire. Mr Aimahiro shook his head disdainfully and resumed reading the article.

All of a sudden, the wet sound of a big splash interrupted Encik Halotano's reading once more. The moment Mr Aimahiro looked up from the newspaper, he was aghast to see a dumb kid thrashing in the foul and muddy waters of the river.

"Aha! Serves you right, you dumbo kiddo!" Mr Aimahiro thought to himself.

The diabolical Mr Aimahiro waited for the child to drink several mouthfuls of gritty river water before jumping into the river. And it was during that split-second right before Mr Aimahiro's obese body hit the water that he realised how he had completely forgotten how to swim...

...........................


"Why did you jump into the river?"
"To save the poor child from a watery grave."
"And?"
"And I suddenly realised that I had completely forgotten how to swim."
"Do you see the black-eyed angels swimming with you?"*
"Yes."
"And a moon full of stars and astral cars?"
"Yes."
"Do you know where you are?"
"No, I don't."
"Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No."

And thus Hades decreed that Mr Aimahiro was a buffoon whose time in the afterlife has yet to come.

When Mr Aimahiro came to, he was surrounded by the children. The children towered over him. For a moment, he thought he was Lemuel Gulliver in Brobdingnag.

"What? Where? Why? Whose? Which? When? How?"
"You're safe, mister."
"Huh?"
"You tried to save Bee Seng, and you almost drowned. Bee Seng saved you."
"Huh?"
"We were practising. We're really, very sorry for what happened."
"Huh?"
"We're all junior state swimmers. We have a competition coming up. That was why."
"Huh?"

Epilogue:
If you have been an attentive reader, you might just have noticed that something is not quite right with this story. Well, you're most likely referring to the part where the kid was "thrashing in the foul and muddy waters of the river."

Now, why would the child be "thrashing" if they were only practising?

To this, there are several possible answers.

Perhaps the kids wanted to make it more real by doing so. They were probably doing a rescue-type mission.

Or, perhaps the kid was lying. Who knows? Kids lie all the time, right? You're a kid, you should know.

Or maybe Mr Aimahiro is in fact, still struggling in the water, and he is hallucinating. Don't know what "hallucinating" means? Look it up in the dictionary.

*Some parts of the conversation were appropriated from the lyrics of "The Pyramid Song" performed by Radiohead.

A Most Unfortunate Incident

Note: This is a kickass version of the PMR essay which was discussed in class recently.
Disclaimer: Please do not attempt to write in the following style lest you want to incur the wrath of your skool teechers.

One sultry Saturday evening, Sandra and her younger brother, Sam, were chilling out at home. They were waiting for their parents to take them out to dinner and they were becoming rather restless. After all, their parents were not known to be the punctual type, not unlike their English tutor, Mr Kok.

Sandra was a hardcore bookworm, and promptly planted herself in the living room sofa with a book in hand. Sam, however, was having none of that reading nonsense and decided to step out of the house in a feeble attempt to seek some excitement in the garden.

Sam was traipsing all over the garden when lo and behold, he looked up and noticed a bird's nest perched on a tree branch. He became even more excited when he spotted several nestlings going: "CHEAP! CHEAP! CHEAP!" in the nest. With a diabolical grin on his pimpled face, he rubbed his palms in glee and decided to get his grimy hands on the nest.

He placed a wooden ladder against the trunk of the tree so that he could climb up. However, luck was not on his side. Before he could reach the nest, our dear Sam had the misfortune of stepping on a thin branch. The branch snapped in two and Sam fell to the ground like a sack of Prince Edward Island potatoes. The injured teenager screamed in a way that no injured teenager had ever screamed before because the pain was, for a lack of a better word, excruciating.

Given that he had landed knee first, it was not surprising that part of his femur jutted out from a break in his flesh. When Sam saw this, he screamed a little more and quickly lost consciousness for such was the courage of youths these days. Fortunately, Sandra heard Sam's ungodly screams right before he passed out and promptly dialled her father's number.

"H-h-h-hello Ah Pa???"
"Ha, meh see?"
"Ah Sam, k-k-k-koi..."
"Ha, meh see?"
"A-a-a-a-ah Samk-k-k-k-k-koi..."
"#@*$&! MEH SEEEE AHHHH? LAY KONG LAAA...#@*$&!!!

To cut the story short, Sandra managed to overcome her s-s-s-s-s-stuttering and told her f-f-f-f-f-f-f-father that Sam was lying u-u-u-u-u-unconscious in the garden. Her p-p-p-p-p-p-parents rushed home immediately and took Sam to the hospital for t-t-t-t-t-treatment. His leg was put in a cast and he was absent from school for two weeks. After Sam recovered, his father beat him to within an inch of his life for all the trouble that he had caused.

rhyming with ling

oh, so early in the moling,
my alarm clock go ling ling,
i opens my eyes screaming:
*** *** LING!!!

i put on my bling bling
without showering.
then my handpon go ting-a-ling.
i pick up, it was ah ling, my darling!

Ah Lee bin Ah Boo ((( earthquakeduck muhibbah remix )))

A little bird told me that the best place to search for La Biss would be in Penang, Darul Sampah. And so, early this morning, I set off in pursuit of La Biss. I did not bother arming myself with any cumbersome protective gear because I love the smell of La Biss in the morning. It reminds me of victory.

I reached the dump site in Pulau Tikus as the sun was rising. Hills upon hills of La Biss silhouetted against the rising sun was truly a sight to behold. I reached into my backpack and took out my Leica. The images I captured were so breathtaking tears started to well up in my eyes. I opened my mouth wide and inhaled a lungful of La Biss-flavoured air. As the micro-particles made their way into my bloodstream, my mouth started to water. It was as if I was swimming in an exquisite mixture of belacan, soya sauce, salted fish, laksa, cencaluk, smelly feet and funky armpits! I just wished I could swallow all that beautiful La Biss in one gigantic gulp.

Then I started walking among the dump site like a zombie high on syabu. I would stagger around for a while, and when I felt like it, I would let myself fall onto the soft, decomposing La Biss and then roll around in them. I have never felt so good before. It was the ultimate feeling! I was laughing and laughing and laughing when all of a sudden, a whole heap of fresh La Biss was poured on top of me. Chunks of rotten tofu almost choked me to death. Fortunately for me, an old computer landed inches from my family jewels. The rest were mainly rotten vegetables and La Biss from the home of a typically wasteful Malaysian family.

After I swallowed the rotten tofu, I started going through the fresh heap of La Biss. What caught my eyes was this bright pink Hello Pussy notebook. The cover read, 'Mai Not Buk, Ah Lee bin Ah Boo.' From the name, I immediately knew that this Ah Lee bin Ah Boo was the product of a muhibbah marriage. I sat down on a pile of old newspapers and turned to the first page.

'Studi is difikel. i am no unersand wat teecher teech. why must dey mak so hard 2 studi? i am very hate skoo. stoopee skoo.'

'Saterrday. affer i were play wif my dik, my dik got pain. i very scary. so i were told mak. i oredi scary, mak is socold me sum more. she is say, what you are do with your dik?! you are always abyuse your litel brader. he so small you shud take care for him.

'den she are tooked my brader to spesialis kleenik. i is say to dokter, what wrong wif my dik?' dokter is say dik is sik. so i is say wat you meen? i is speak LOUDLY: DIKISIK OR SIDIKID??? stoopee dokter onli smail. i is want to say bad word but mak was dere so i is only say SHRRAP!!!'

'then mak are say, we taking my dik home. he few mash better after we taking him to bomoh.'

And that was all there was in the notebook. Except for a few gulai stains, the rest of the pages were empty. I closed the notebook and just sat there for a few moments. I thought about Ah Lee and his life. All of a sudden, I felt sad.

You Sharrap!!!

I found this in the tong sampah this morning, next to the fishbone and the cartoon tin cans:

Mai teecher she lone low the dipperence beetwin Skoo and Tiew Shen but she are ask me to sharrap one. One lay, I ask her like this one: Cher, y outside got so many Tiew Shen centaur??? And you low what she are say lu me? She are say: Beecost they only want lu make marney. Lend I are answer, "but why got so many pee pole go?" Cher are say: Becost pee pole are stoopee. I are say: I are go many Tiew Shen, but I are not stoopee! Cher are say: You sharrap and stop asking so many questions!

Sam Seng the Samseng went to Tuck Seng for some yum seng

I once knew a samseng, whose name was Sam Seng.
One day, Sam went for some yum seng, at a restaurant called Tuck Seng.
Maybe Sam was drunk, but he thought he saw an Ah Singh.
When he stepped out of Tuck Seng, after the yum seng, he looked up the sky and saw many sing sing.
"Wah, the sky is so beauty make me want to sing!"

I Saw An Act See Dent Law

One day, I was walking to school when I heard a deafening bang. "WORLD TAEKWONDO FEDERATION was that???" I exclaimed. I was curious so I decided to have a closer look, just like another character in an essay taught by my English tuition teacher. When I saw that a Can Chill had crashed into a tree, I became so excited that I started trembling with excitement. There are several reasons why I became so excited.

First Lee, whenever there is an accident, there is money to be made. This is what The Blue Monkey in my dreams told me. It said, "Uuuuuuu, arr-arrr-arrr, Huuuuuu, arrrrrrrrr-arrr-arrrrrrrrr..." I am not a monkey, so I do not speak Monkeyish, but in my dreams, I always understand what The Blue Monkey says. Nevertheless, sometimes I do not dream of The Blue Monkey, but The Blue Moneky or The Blue Moenkey instead. I have noticed that this usually happens whenever I have studied too much Sir Jar Rah or Jee-O-Graph-Fee.

So anyway, I walked closer to the scene of the Act See Dent and saw that the backside of the Tikus was dented. Then I remembered what Sir Jar Rah told me yesterday. He said, "It is a good omen when you see a dent in an Act See Dent." When I asked him what 'omen' means, he asked me to look it up in a Dik Shen Ner Ree. And you know what 'omen' means? It is an expression that we can use whenever we do not understand something, for instance, "Omen, this test is so difficult!!!"

Anyway, this was what happened that day. I continued my journey home after the two Weak Teams were sent to the nearest Hot Spit Tall.

"What's He's name?"
"He, of course."
"He what?"
"He He He I think."
"And you, what's your name?"
"He."
"He what?"
"He Too. And you?"
"Huat."
"Huat what?"
"Huat Yew Min."

He Shot He

He stepped into the room silently. He was watching television. He reached into his jacket and slowly took out a gun. He aimed it at He and shot He twice. Then He continued watching television.