"The Effin' Simians Made Me Fat" (Part 1)

Note: This is a kickass version of the PMR essay which was discussed in class recently.
Disclaimer: Please do not attempt to write in the following style lest you want to incur the wrath of your skool teechers.

"I know what you're thinking."
"Huh?"
"You're wondering how I became so fat, right?"
"Umm..."
"Do you really want to know?"
"Well, if you really wanna tell me, I'm all ears."
"Okay. Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable."

....................................................................

It all started when Bee Chee made this apparently casual remark one day. We were all sitting around in class doing nothing as usual. The June school holidays were just around the corner, and practically all the teachers had gone AWOL.

"Aleena, seems to me that you've gained some weight lately."
"What? Are you serious?"
"Yeah. Your love handles have become rather...pronounced."
"Omg, is it that obvious?"
"Well, don't take my word for it. Check it out yourself in front of the mirror when you get home today."

Which was exactly what I did. I wasn't completely sure if it was merely what she said that was playing tricks with my mind or the fact that I was getting fat, but I definitely did not like what I saw in the mirror.

"I'm gonna start working out. Shed those extra inches. The holidays are upon us again. Perfect timing, " I reassured myself.

That same evening, I pestered my mother to take me shopping. Upon reaching Kinta City, I made a beeline for the sporting goods store. I had wanted to get the yellow with black stripes tracksuit a la the same one which Bruce Lee wore in "The Game of Death" and which was also worn by Uma Thurman in "Kill Bill". Alas, mom said no since the price was not right. In the end, I ended up getting the Special Edition Barbie tracksuit instead. Which was just as well. More bling for your buck, as they say.

The next morning, I woke up earlier than usual to go jogging in a nearby park. I put on my brand new tracksuit and was about to leave the house when I bumped into my mother as she was staggering towards the washroom. Both of us almost had a double acute myocardial infarction right there and then.

"WTF Aleena!!! It's effin' half past five in the effin' morning! Are you going to a disco?"
"Holy cow momma! I thought you were grandma back from the dead!"
"Hahaha nice one. You know how much we resemble each other. Especially when our hair's messed up like this. So where the F are you going dressed like this?"
"I'm going jogging. Don't you remember? You bought me a tracksuit last night."
"Oh right. Isn't that for your birthday party?"
"HUH? What birthday party? My birthday's in December. It's June now. Mom, are you sure you're alright? Have you started drinking again?"
"Heh heh, calm down, child. I'm just effin witcha. Alright go, go! Before it gets too hot to jog."
"But mom, you haven't answered my question. Have you been drinking again?"
"Just go okay. Remember to come back before your bus is here."
"What bus?"
"Your school bus, of course. Is there another bus?"
"But it's a Saturday."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah."

...to be continued

ekcherlee

I woke up this afternoon, defecated, brushed my teeth and sat down for lunch. Then, my phone rang. I picked it up. My mouth was still chewing.

Me: Hayyo...? Nieeehhh...
Him: Er, harlow, er, soli ser, but my name is Jeksen and I am koling from NIAMAH.
Me: HMMm? YAMA?
Him: That is light ser, NIAMAH ser.
Me: Ho won...

I quickly finished chewing and washed it down in a hurry with some grape-flavoured Vitagen.

Me: Yes, you were saying, that you're calling from NIAMAH?
Him: Yes ser.
Me: If this is a joke, you'd better hang up now. It's a Sunday, it's my only rest day of the week, and consider yourself lucky because strangely enough, I'm in a pretty good mood today.
Him: No no, no joke ser. I am really call from NIAMAH.
Me: Haha, niama?
Him: New Inter-nay-senal Ay-so-see-ay-sen of Mar-der Er-gain Homoseksuels. You never hear before?
Me: You're kidding right? New International Association of Mothers Against Homosexuals?
Him: That light ser.
Me: Which light? Oh, I'm sorry, I got what you mean. So, are you looking for donations?
Him: If you wan, can oso la. But ekcherlee, we wan you ser to join awer ekteeveetees.
Me: What activities?
Him: We will be gather at the Ipoh Padang next Sayterday.
Me: I'm not free next Saturday.
Him: Aiyo, pleese come la ser. There will be got lucky draw, can win car you low!
Me: No.
Him: Plee...

I hung up before he could plea any more. What a bummer. And now I've got a headache. I think I'll got to the toilet and have another nice, long session of defecation.

How was your Sunday?