Cheap Airline

"Type of service, sir?"
"What kinds do you offer?"
"Well there's three. Full service, no service and bad service."
"What's the difference?"
"Full service is two hundred dollars additional."
"What about no service?"
"No service is complimentary."
"And bad service?"
"You get a 20% rebate."
"That's interesting. What does bad service include?"
"Basically, the stewardesses treat you like...um...faecal matter."
"Hmm..."
"So which service would you prefer, sir?"
"I'll take the bad service."
"Okay, that's done."
"Is there any way to make the ticket even cheaper?"
"Well, you can, by downgrading your options."
"That's good. What are the default options?"
"You've taken out service, so that leaves you with the in-flight movie, radio stations, headphones, blanket, beverages, food and baggage space."
"I would liked to have all those options removed."
"Are you sure, sir?"
"Yes, I'm positive. I can deal with the movie and radio stations with my portable sight and sound device, headphones included. I won't need a blanket because I can bring my own..."
"There's an additional charge for that sir."
"You mean you there's a surcharge for bringing your own blanket?"
"That's correct sir."
"How much?"
"A dollar for a standard blanket. Extra for blankets with a higher thread count."
"What's the scale?"
"Five dollars for a blanket with a thread count between 200 and 400. For blankets with a thread count exceeding 400, the surcharge is ten dollars. So what's the thread count of your blanket sir?"
"It's just a regular blanket bought from a pasar malam."
"I'll make a tentative five dollar surcharge for now sir."
"Tentative?"
"Well, in the event that the stewardess responsible for blankets find that your blanket exceeds the declared thread count, the surcharge amount will be amended accordingly."
"Fine."
"Now, for the rest of the options which you have opted out. Beverages, food and baggage space. I would like to confirm that you want these options removed as well?"
"Yes. And what is the surcharge for each?"
"There's no surcharge for those sir."
"Good. Now are there any more options which I can opt out of?"
"There is one, but the airline strongly recommends that you retain it."
"Well, I can still choose not to have it if I want to, am I correct?"
"That's correct, sir."
"What is the option?"
"The washroom usage option."
"How much off if I opt out?"
"Another 30%, sir."
"That's awesome!"
"So, I confirm the removal of the washroom usage option."
"Yes, off with it!"
"Just out of curiosity sir, how do you plan to deal with not using the washroom throughout your flight to Toronto? The flight takes more than twenty hours."
"Well, where there's a will, there's a way."
"I'm afraid I don't understand, sir."
"Plastic bags and styrofoam boxes."
"Oh."
"I take it that everything is in order? Is there anything you missed?"
"Everything looks...hold on...there's something here that might be of interest to you sir."
"What is it?"
"It's stated here that during the Your Airline Greens the Environment campaign period, any passenger who opts out of the washroom usage option is eligible for a further 15% discount if said passenger surrenders their excretory waste, whether in liquid, solid and/or semi-solid forms at the end of his or her flight."

iNoWorry

"This invention of mine will revolutionise our civilisation and change the way we live in the most profound ways."
"What's it called?"
"The iNoWorry."
"That sounds pretty cool. What does it do?"
"It helps us to stop worrying."
"Oh really? How does it work?"
"The user plugs in these earphones. Actually, they're not really earphones. I mean, they can work as earphones, but their main function is to capture the user's brainwaves. The brainwaves are then transmitted into the device and analysed for signs of stress and anxiety."
"So far so good. What happens after that?"
"If the brainwaves show traces of stress or anxiety, the device will ensure that any worrying thoughts will materialise and come true."
"Wait. So, what you're saying here is that this device will make our negative thoughts come true?
"Yes."
"That's crazy! Who in his right mind would want this???"
"I understand your concern. But hear me out. The device will make the negative thoughts come true only when negative thoughts are present in the user's mind. Which means..."
"...no negative thoughts will come true if there are no negative thoughts in the user's mind to begin with."
"Bingo."
"Does the device work on positive thoughts too?"
"You mean if it can realize positive thoughts?"
"Yes."
"Give me some time. Perhaps in the iNoWorry 2."

Pretty

Her name tag said, "Hi my name is Sarah."

I'm a regular at the food and beverage establishment where she worked and I've observed her for some time now. She wasn't bad-looking; her hair looked healthy, her teeth weren't crooked and she had big, round eyes. Based on my observation thus far, she had spilled a total of five drinks, knocked into my chair thrice and dropped my change twice. One day, I decided to engage her in conversation.

"Sarah, right?"
"Yes!"
"You're pretty..."
"Thanks."
"I haven't finished."
"I'm sorry?"
"You're pretty...clumsy."

for those who are interested in bugs and assorted creepy crawlies

What's That Bug? is a site which I discovered while trying to identify the following insect which I photographed:


If you're keen on Entomology, do check it out.

I'm blogging again, so the funny posts will be coming soon. Whoo-hoo!

Kung-Fu Kathy and the Unfortunate Pickpocket

Note: This is a kickass version of the PMR essay which was discussed in class recently.
Disclaimer: Please do not attempt to write in the following style lest you want to incur the wrath of your skool teechers.

Kathy was travelling home on a crowded bus when she noticed a sneaky looking man standing in front of her. Our quick-witted heroine was somehow dead sure that he was up to no good. After all, why on earth would someone dress like a hip-hopper in such stiflingly hot weather?

Kathy's suspicions were confirmed when she saw the man reaching a grimy hand into the back pocket of an obese, Chinese uncle. At first, she thought that he was attempting to molest the poor Chinese uncle. When the filthy crook fished a wallet out of the overweight man's back pocket and then surreptitiously dropped it into one of the oversized pockets of his cargo pants, she realised that he was in fact a no-good pickpocket.

Kathy screamed like a banshee in a high-pitched effort to alert the other passengers. Shocked out of their daydreams by Kathy's piercing, unearthly screams, everyone turned to look in her direction. Quite afraid of being mistaken for a lunatic, Kathy quickly pointed an accusing finger at the stunned pickpocket, whose blood was trickling out of his right ear.

"What?" the pickpocket challenged.
"In the name of God, repent, you no-good pickpocket! Repent!" Kathy countered.
"I AM NOT A PICKPOCKET!!!" the pickpocket protested.
"GIVE IT UP!" Kathy hollered.
"NO!" the pickpocket cried.
"DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A TASTE OF AARON KOK'S 3-POINT SYSTEM KUNG-FU?" Kathy yelled.
"TRY ME!!! I AM NEITHER CHICKEN NOR AM I YELLOW! I AM AFRAID OF NOTHING!!! NOTHING!!!" the pickpocket taunted.

This proved to be a most terrible mistake. With fingers outstretched like claws, Kathy reached out her hands towards the pickpocket's chest, grabbed a handful of flesh on each hand and twisted hard. And before the poor pickpocket could even react, Kathy jabbed him in the groin.

With eyes wide open and mouth agape, the unfortunate pickpocket's hands flew involuntarily to his crotch before collapsing onto the dusty floor of the bus like a sack of Prince Edward Island potatoes. With the exception of the pickpocket, everyone on the bus gave Kathy a jubilant round of applause.

"Thank you, thank you very much, " said Kathy as the rickety bus trundled its way towards a nearby police station.

"The Effin' Simians Made Me Fat" (Part 1)

Note: This is a kickass version of the PMR essay which was discussed in class recently.
Disclaimer: Please do not attempt to write in the following style lest you want to incur the wrath of your skool teechers.

"I know what you're thinking."
"Huh?"
"You're wondering how I became so fat, right?"
"Umm..."
"Do you really want to know?"
"Well, if you really wanna tell me, I'm all ears."
"Okay. Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable."

....................................................................

It all started when Bee Chee made this apparently casual remark one day. We were all sitting around in class doing nothing as usual. The June school holidays were just around the corner, and practically all the teachers had gone AWOL.

"Aleena, seems to me that you've gained some weight lately."
"What? Are you serious?"
"Yeah. Your love handles have become rather...pronounced."
"Omg, is it that obvious?"
"Well, don't take my word for it. Check it out yourself in front of the mirror when you get home today."

Which was exactly what I did. I wasn't completely sure if it was merely what she said that was playing tricks with my mind or the fact that I was getting fat, but I definitely did not like what I saw in the mirror.

"I'm gonna start working out. Shed those extra inches. The holidays are upon us again. Perfect timing, " I reassured myself.

That same evening, I pestered my mother to take me shopping. Upon reaching Kinta City, I made a beeline for the sporting goods store. I had wanted to get the yellow with black stripes tracksuit a la the same one which Bruce Lee wore in "The Game of Death" and which was also worn by Uma Thurman in "Kill Bill". Alas, mom said no since the price was not right. In the end, I ended up getting the Special Edition Barbie tracksuit instead. Which was just as well. More bling for your buck, as they say.

The next morning, I woke up earlier than usual to go jogging in a nearby park. I put on my brand new tracksuit and was about to leave the house when I bumped into my mother as she was staggering towards the washroom. Both of us almost had a double acute myocardial infarction right there and then.

"WTF Aleena!!! It's effin' half past five in the effin' morning! Are you going to a disco?"
"Holy cow momma! I thought you were grandma back from the dead!"
"Hahaha nice one. You know how much we resemble each other. Especially when our hair's messed up like this. So where the F are you going dressed like this?"
"I'm going jogging. Don't you remember? You bought me a tracksuit last night."
"Oh right. Isn't that for your birthday party?"
"HUH? What birthday party? My birthday's in December. It's June now. Mom, are you sure you're alright? Have you started drinking again?"
"Heh heh, calm down, child. I'm just effin witcha. Alright go, go! Before it gets too hot to jog."
"But mom, you haven't answered my question. Have you been drinking again?"
"Just go okay. Remember to come back before your bus is here."
"What bus?"
"Your school bus, of course. Is there another bus?"
"But it's a Saturday."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah."

...to be continued

clues

wanna have a gander at my other blog?
it's also at blogspot, and here are the clues:

the undead and japanese warrior.

the height of teenage fashion in the 1980s